


Rocks Fall; Everyone Dies

by ShibaScarf



Category: DCU (Comics)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, M/M, dnd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-17
Updated: 2017-02-17
Packaged: 2018-09-25 05:52:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9805463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShibaScarf/pseuds/ShibaScarf
Summary: “I cast Otto’s Irresistible Dance,” Booster announced.Everyone at the table groaned.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gayreclinetime](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayreclinetime/gifts).



 “So I’d like everyone to go ahead and introduce their characters,” Ralph said, shuffling papers and moving dice from behind his Dungeon Master screen.   “Booster, would you like to start?”

“Yes,” Booster said, clearing his throat and picking up his character sheet as if he were a news anchor.  “Right, well.  I’m playing an elven bard who is known only by one enigmatic name, like Prince or Madonna or something.  His name is Cartero.”

Ted snorted, and everyone gave him a dirty look.

“Keep going,” Ralph said.  “Don’t let him embarrass you.  This is a fantasy game.  There are no judgments here.”

“Right.” Booster said, nodding.  “Anyway, Cartero is an extremely handsome and charismatic elf.  His principle goals in life are fame and fortune, but that’s largely to compensate for his tragic past.  He was exiled from his community, which is why he’s living on the road now.”

“Why was he exiled?” Ralph asked, taking notes.

“Let’s just say he has a gambling problem,” Booster said.  Ted appeared to be shoving his entire fist into his mouth in an attempt to muffle his laughter.

“Alright then,” Ralph said.  “Guy?”

“I’m playing Bloodfang Battlescar, a dragon-born warrior,” Guy said.  “Bloodfang loves to fight, especially in defense of the weak.  He also likes shiny things.”

“Simple enough,” Ralph said wryly.  “Tora?”

“I’m playing a human druid named Emily Lightfoot,” Tora said.  “She’s lived most of her life in isolation, but has recently started looking for clues as to her heritage.  She has a little pet sparrow named Checkers that sits on her shoulder."

“Perfect.” Ralph peered warily over his screen.  “Ted, it’s your turn.”

“I’m playing a dwarven rogue,” Ted announced grandly.  “He likes fiddling with mechanical inventions.  He doesn’t take life very seriously and is always quick with a joke.  He likes money and women.”

“What’s his name?” Ralph asked, narrowing his eyes.

Ted did his best to look as innocent as possible.

“Theodorus Kordyle,” he answered.

Booster dissolved into giggles.

“You can call him Theo,” Ted offered.

“You are incredibly lucky that I needed more than two players for this campaign,” Ralph said heavily.  “All right.  Let’s get started.”

\---------------

Four sessions in, Ralph was still very, very tired of Booster and Ted, but he had to admit that the boys weren’t necessarily bad players.  They took combat pretty seriously.  Ted had even started crunching numbers on his character to maximize some of his rolls.  Unfortunately, a lot of those rolls had to do with actions such as “I grab the thing out of the guy’s hands and book it” or “I roll to pull his pants down so that he can’t run after us as quickly”. 

Booster, on the other hand, was keeping a catalog of spells and writing down every single tiny item in his possession so that if he wanted to “leave a trail of rat droppings behind to help navigate out of the maze for later” he could immediately cite exactly when and where he had obtained them and how many he could reasonably have picked up in one fist.

Still, the two were surprisingly good at serious roleplay, especially with each other.  It shouldn’t have come as a surprise, but Cartero and Theo were friendly rivals.  They joked at one another’s expense and bickered, but worked well in battle.  They even explored each other’s backstory in short but genuine roleplay opportunities. 

There was really only one problem.

“Okay,” Ralph said.  “So, Emily is going into the village market to try and speak with the local apothecary about potential suspects in the poisoning of the town elder, and Bloodfang is planning to check with the nearby mercenary guilds.  What are Cartero and Theo doing?”

“Theo is going to go try and pick up some chicks at the tavern,” Ted said. 

“Ooh, and Cartero is going to be his wingman,” Booster volunteered.

“Absolutely not,” Ted said.  “Last time you were Theo’s ‘wingman’, you stole the whole show.  That is not what a wingman does.”

“Cartero cannot help his talent and striking good looks,” Booster sniffed.  “But fine.  If you don’t want my help, I’ll do something else.”

“Yes?” Ralph asked, hoping to god that Booster was about to say something related to the plot.

“I will perform in the street for gold,” Booster declared.

“This is a poverty stricken village,” Ralph warned him.  “It’s highly unlikely that you’ll make that much money.”

He did it anyway.

\------------------------

By the twelfth session, Ralph had finally discovered that appealing to Booster and Ted’s roleplaying was the best way to coax them into investigating the plot.  Undercover missions, for example, were very enticing, as were potential ties to their backstories.

All in all, he reflected, he actually wasn’t regretting their involvement in his campaign:  especially not at this present moment, where he had successfully engineered an exhilarating scene, if he did say so himself.

“Can I roll to resist the spell?” Ted asked miserably.  “I mean, if it counts for anything, Theo really really wouldn’t want to stab himself.”

“You already tried that,” Ralph said, smiling a little more cruelly than he could help.  “Sorry!  You have to wait another hour in-game before you try resisting it again.”

While investigating an underground cult, Theo had wound up cursed by the high priest and was now under mind control.  Emily and Bloodfang were currently fighting their way down to the bottom floor of the temple, where Theo and Cartero were.  Booster and Ted had infiltrated the ranks of the cult and successfully managed to get the aging leader alone, only for him to see through their plans at the last minute and cast a spell that commanded Theo to raise his own dagger to his neck.

“So my turn is useless,” Ted snapped.  “I do nothing.  I don’t try to lower the knife, but I also don’t try to cut my own throat.”

“What does Cartero do?” Ralph asked, turning to Booster.

“I cast Otto’s Irresistible Dance,” Booster announced.

Everyone at the table groaned.  This was an old chestnut that got thrown around pretty liberally.  It allowed Cartero to force one creature do a silly dance for one minute if it failed a wisdom saving throw.

“At the priest?” Ralph asked, furrowing his brow.  “Why, exactly?”

“No,” Booster said.  “At Theo.  To make him pull the knife away from his neck.”

“Can I choose to fail the saving throw?” Ted asked.

Ralph threw his hands up in the air wearily.

“You cast the spell and Ted begins to do a charming river-dance series of kicks and turns,” he said.  “Unfortunately, his arms don’t move at all, so the knife is still at his throat.  It’s the priest’s turn, and he is going to command Theo to move towards Cartero.  You have about a minute until the dance ends, and then he will, presumably, try to stab you.”

“I do nothing.” Ted said, with a sigh.  “It’s up to you, Boost.”

“Rest in peace, Cartero,” Guy snickered.  Tora tutted disapprovingly.

“Alright,” Booster said, flipping through his spell and ability cards, which he had made himself.  “Give me one second…”

“Sure,” Ralph said.  “I’ll switch over to Emily and Bloodfang for a few minutes.”

Emily and Bloodfang proceeded to fight their way down to the ritual chamber.   Ralph decided to switch back over when they were about three or four rounds away, so that Booster would get a chance to save himself.

Booster slapped a notecard on the table and grinned triumphantly.

“Song of Freedom,” he declared.  “Radius effect that allows me to break spells and enchantments.”

Ralph reached over and picked up the card to study the nitty-gritty.

“Okay,” he said.  “We’ll give it a shot.  You have to beat the high priest’s casting power.  Give me some flavor, Booster.  What does the Song of Freedom sound like?”

“Free Bird, by Lynyrd Skynyrd.”

“Hell yes,” Guy said.  “This is awesome.”

“Go ahead and roll it,” Ralph said.

Everyone watched Booster pick up his d20 and toss it down onto the table.  There was a pause.  Ted leaned over to see the result.

“I rolled a two,” Booster groaned, covering his face in his hands. 

“Ouch,” Tora said. 

“Well, it was nice knowing you, Cartero,” Ted said, shaking his head.

“I would like to spend a Ralph Buck,” Booster said, digging through his papers.

Ralph Bucks were a currency that Ralph had made up in an effort to get Booster and Ted to chase the plot.  It had only middling success.

“You spent your last Ralph Buck re-rolling those sweet flips you did last session,” Ted said. 

“Nope!” Booster exclaimed, holding up one crumpled piece of paper.  “I have one left!”

Ralph took the piece of paper, smoothed it out, and confirmed that it was, in fact, the last remaining Ralph Buck.

“You have to give me a flavor reason for you getting a re-roll,” he said.  “Whatcha got?”

“So, if Free Bird isn’t enough to break the spell, I think Cartero tries a different song” Booster says, pondering.  “I start singing a song of my own invention.  One about how we met and how we’re the tightest and best bros of all time.  And how smart and talented Theo is, and how no one else appreciates his genius.  Oh, and uh.  Please don’t hurt me because you’re my bro and I love you.”

“Aw,” Ted said.  “That’s so sweet.”

“Shut up,” Booster said, embarrassed.  “Can I re-roll?”

“Go for it,” Ralph said.

Booster rolled and the entire room gasped.

“Nat 20!” Booster yelped.  “That’s my first nat 20!  Holy shit!”  He sprang out of his chair and did a lap around the table.  Tora applauded, and Guy joined in.  Ted looked stunned.

“Okay, okay!” Ralph said, laughing.  “So, Cartero, you start singing a very emotional song about how much Theo means to you.  Theo comes closer and closer, and then—just when he’s about to stab you, the spell breaks.  Ted, you have control of Theo again, and Cartero’s song reached into your very soul with its beauty.”

“I grab that skinny motherfucker by the collar and drag him down and kiss him,” Ted announced.

“Uh,” said Ralph.

“I kiss back!” Booster said, still running laps around the table.

“Is this when we come into the room?” Tora asked.

“You come into the room and Cartero and Theo are locked in a passionate embrace,” Ralph said wearily.  “The priest is in the corner looking very, very confused.”

“No shit,” Guy said.

“I think we should take a bathroom break,” Ralph said.  “Everyone go get a snack or something.  We’ll come back in ten minutes.”

If he was being honest with himself, he really only had himself to blame.

**Author's Note:**

> LISTEN SOFA, I KNOW YOU ASKED FOR A FANTASY AU BUT.... YOU UTTERED THE WORDS DND AND I HAD TO. OKAY?  
> also i haven't played dnd in like four years so plz don't leave comments about my inaccuracy. i don't play combat heavy games for a reason. -_-


End file.
